Too Far: Texas Dispatches Thwomps To Guard Border
U.S. · Aug 9, 2023 ·

EL PASO, TX — In a massive escalation, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has set up incredibly angry Thwomp Traps at the U.S.-Mexico border to deter illegal immigrants.

Though illegal immigration is down a whopping 100%, critics argue the innovative border security simply goes too far. "Indiscriminate 'thwomping' of undocumented immigrants is a human rights violation!" Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said, weeping. "I can't even!"

Gov. Abbott strongly defended his decision to deploy Thwomps (sentient living stones) to the border. "It's the most efficient way of protecting a castle or state," he said. "And it's humane! Nice, quick death. Oh, wait, I probably shouldn't say that. Don't print that."

In a statement, President Joe Biden also expressed his concern that the U.S.-Mexico Border Thwomps had crossed a line. "Stones with faces, flattening people into pancakes? It's just not American," said Biden. "Governor Abbott, tear down these Thwomps!"

At publishing time, drug cartels and human smugglers were consulting with an Italian plumber named Mario who claimed he knew how to get around the Border Thwomps.

Babylon Bee subscriber Tim G contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.

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