U.S. — The infamous Epstein client list will reportedly be posted on the Threads app today, where no human being will ever see its contents.

"Into the void," said NBC correspondent Ken Matthews. "The list might as well be sitting on the ocean floor."

In addition to the Epstein client list, the government has also reportedly looked into storing its nuclear codes on Threads. "There is simply no place on earth safer from human eyes," said intelligence agent Max Renner. "Trump could post classified documents on Threads all day if he wanted to. It's like whispering into the night. At least, that's what I assume it would be -- I just can't bring myself to actually log into Threads to find out."

According to sources, Threads was designed by Mark Zuckerberg to compete with the company formerly known as Twitter. "No one has seen or heard anything from Threads since," said Mr. Renner. "We're not sure if it's like a bulletin board, or what. Maybe Zuck is on there, but of course, he doesn't count as human."

At publishing time, the Esptein client list was reportedly expected to remain a mystery, forever.

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