CLEARWATER, FL — Superstar actor Tom Cruise, fresh off a promotional tour for Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning, was reportedly kicking himself after learning that he could have been using CGI for stunts this whole time.
Cruise, who has been injured during the production of several of his films due to the dangerous stunt work involved, is now in his 60s and has only just now learned that his years of physical risk and sacrifice were all completely unnecessary.
According to insiders, the bombshell revelation hit Cruise like a bag of bricks after a close friend informed him that the sandworms in Dune were computer-generated.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Computer graphics? What does that even mean?" Cruise allegedly asked after hearing the shocking news. "Is this why Spielberg wouldn't sell me a dinosaur? Because they weren't real?!"
His life apparently a lie, Cruise reportedly got on the phone with Paramount Pictures executive Bob Mountain to get answers. A transcript of a leaked portion of the phone call follows:
MOUNTAIN: Tommy! How's my favorite star?
CRUISE: Why didn't you tell me about the computers, Bob?
MOUNTAIN: Computers?
CRUISE: C... G... I...
MOUNTAIN: I don't follow.
CRUISE: Why did you let me climb around on an actual airplane racing through the air, Bob? I could have died.
MOUNTAIN: I mean... we thought you wanted to...
CRUISE: I was doing it for the audience, Bob! I thought that was the only way to get the shot. I didn't know we could have just been using computers the whole time!
MOUNTAIN: Tom... Tommy... we thought you knew, man. Computer graphics have been around for years. We've used them in your movies! You don't think we actually killed Henry Cavill in Fallout when his face was impaled by a cargo hook that ripped him off a mountain and into an explosion, do you? That was all computers, baby!
CRUISE: I went to his funeral, Bob!
It remains unknown how this new revelation may change Cruise's upcoming projects, including a sequel to Top Gun: Maverick and an untitled film he planned to actually film in outer space.
At publishing time, Cruise destroyed the laboratory he used to grow the alien mimics in Edge of Tomorrow after learning he could use computer effects if a sequel to the film ever got off the ground.
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