U.S. — In order to increase its efficiency in finding illegal immigrants, ICE has unveiled a new tactic of going to all the soccer fields in town and mass-arresting everyone present.
In lieu of cumbersome trips through neighborhoods and work sites, ICE will now pull up to local soccer fields with several vehicles and simply throw all the players and fans inside.
"Like fish in a barrel," said Director Tom Homan. "We've already increased arrests one-hundred fold in our first day. No more going door-to-door, tracking people down one at a time. We just roll up to the soccer field, blow a whistle, and load everybody up. Game, set, match, or whatever it is in soccer."
Protests have erupted over the practice, as several American citizens have been caught up in the arrests. However, the Trump administration argued that any American who is found playing soccer deserves to be deported anyway. "If you're on the soccer field, you might as well be illegal," said Homan. "Listen, we don't discriminate by color, ethnicity, anything. If you are playing or watching soccer, we're sending you to El Salvador where you belong."
At publishing time, ICE had announced that they would also be saving time by arresting everyone at WalMart.
Congress is preparing to make some big changes!
