WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House is releasing new details surrounding President Biden's plan to send free facemasks to every American. In an effort to save time, the free masks will be shipped directly to landfills nationwide.
"The science tells us that wearing a high-quality mask over your nose and mouth probably might possibly help prevent COVID maybe," said press secretary Jen Psaki. "Therefore, the President is committed to making sure every American has access to a medium-quality government mask manufactured by the lowest bidder."
"That being said, we realize that anyone who wants to wear a mask probably owns several dozen already," Psaki continued. "We also know that many others want your grandmother to die and thus refuse to wear masks at all. So, to save money, we'll be shipping all masks directly to local landfills."
Joe Marsecci, chairman of the Masked Citizens Environmental Alliance, praised the Biden administration's decision. "The decision to ship these masks directly to the landfill saves both time and money, as well as reducing carbon emissions from delivery and waste-hauling services," Marsecci said. "The only thing more ecologically responsible would be dumping all the masks directly into the ocean."
At press time, the White House was denying reports that Biden's plan to purchase 500 million facemasks was in any way related to his son Hunter being named chairman of the board of a large Ukrainian facemask conglomerate.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.