ARLINGTON, VA — In what is sure to provide much-needed relief in military spending costs, officials at the Pentagon announced today that, rather than dropping bombs, the United States Air Force will begin dropping morbidly obese airmen on enemy targets.
"Our new relaxed weight and fitness standards play right into this decision," said General Charles Q. Brown, Jr., Chief of Staff of the Air Force. "When we took a look at the growing American population — and I use the word ‘growing' literally — we realized we were not utilizing all the resources available to us. So we decided to save a fortune on bombs, round up some fatties, and use them to inflict serious damage on our enemies."
Critics had questioned the Air Force's recent decision to loosen its body fat requirements for applicants, arguing that this will result in a less-healthy fighting force. "Won't it be more difficult to get aircraft off the ground with a bunch of tubby airmen?" asked concerned taxpayer Matthew Anderson. Air Force leadership says these detractors simply don't understand the full initiative. "This isn't about the health of our service members," General Brown said. "This is about getting the biggest lard-butts we can find so we can drop them on enemy encampments and totally annihilate them. It's simple physics."
At publishing time, the Air Force pledged to proceed with the program, despite the controversy. "We're already ordering up massive shipments of donuts to entice these types of applicants," General Brown said. "If these fat boys don't turn out in large enough numbers, we'll just have to recruit your mom."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
