WASHINGTON, D.C. — Pete Buttigieg, the Transportation Secretary under President Biden, has reportedly been binge-watching the children's show Thomas the Tank Engine in an effort to understand the recent wave of train derailments that have been plaguing the United States.
Sources close to Buttigieg say that the Secretary has been glued to his TV, watching episode after episode of the popular children's show. Determined to unlock their secrets, Buttigieg has been taking copious notes as he studies the behavior of the show's colorful cast of anthropomorphic trains.
"He's really into it. Like REALLY into it," said one anonymous source. "He makes loud train noises just like they do on the show. He's even started wearing a conductor's hat around the office. It's a bit strange, but if it helps him understand what's going on with these derailments, then more power to him."
"It seems that maybe we need to incorporate the power of friendship into our railroads," thought Buttigieg out loud. "Maybe with enough teamwork and enough fun we can fix our country's infrastructure!"
At publishing time, after completing hundreds of episodes of Thomas The Tank Engine Buttigieg admitted that he was no closer to learning why our trains are derailing, but even more importantly he has learned that Thomas and his friends were all racist bigots.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
