NEW YORK, NY—Major League Baseball is constantly looking for ways to make the game more exciting. Some suggested reducing the number of innings or starting with three baserunners every inning to up the stakes and increase the number of runs scored. But the league has landed on a new proposal that's a surefire way to increase ratings: change the field to a rink and the bats to curved sticks and the ball to a small, round puck.
"This will make the game faster, more action-packed, and far more exciting," said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. "Fans will love this exciting new take on America's favorite pastime. It's much quicker and more physical, with less standing around and looking for coaches' signs. Players will also be on skates for maximum speed."
Instead of runs, players will score goals by shooting the puck at tiny nets blocked by a single player with lightning-fast reflexes and lots of protective gear. Baseball players will be able to "check" each other into the boards surrounding the arena, or "rink." Fights will be commonplace and expected, making baseball less of a sissy game and more manly.
At publishing time, Manfred had further suggested releasing live ferrets onto the ice for maxmium entertainment value.