BISMARCK, ND — According to sources, local man and news connoisseur Dave Rorsh has begun keeping track of the daily news by just looking up 2-year-old posts on obscure conspiracy theory blogs.
"When I did some research, I realized all the conspiracy theorists were exactly two years ahead of the media in reporting the facts," said Rorch while pulling up IlluminatiWatch.com and searching old posts for current updates on politics, culture, and international affairs. "This is so much easier than looking at CNN and Fox News!"
Trusted experts confirmed that the last several years have proven conspiracy theorists to be 100% accurate on every claim they've made in that time. The experts then also confirmed that everyone should ignore that confirmation and proceed as if nothing happened. "We urge you to continue to get your news from trusted sources and avoid conspiracy theories, even though the trusted sources are always wrong," said media researcher Dr. Franz Bugmann. "Trusting trusted sources is what makes you a good person, and that's all that really matters here."
Mr. Rorsh says he plans to continue receiving all his news from old conspiracy blogs for the foreseeable future.
At publishing time, IlluminatiWatch.com had added a new post confirming Democrats will admit in two years' time that Biden stole the election.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.