MINNEAPOLIS, MN — In a convincing rebuttal to the widespread allegations of "stolen valor" plaguing his campaign, Tim Walz told reporters yesterday a harrowing story from his days in the armed forces, regaling them with the tale of how he courageously fought off the Xenomorph alien queen with nothing but a P-5000 Powered Work Loader exosuit.
According to Walz, the Xenomorph queen had completely ambushed his team, even ripping one of his fellow soldiers in half.
"There we were, totally helpless," Walz recalled, brushing a tear away from his eye. "Bishop was on the floor in two pieces, and the queen was starting to hunt down my gal Newt. So I slipped into the loading bay and fired up a cargo loader — real piece of work, those things — and the Queen started trying to get me. I didn't have anything, just a couple of forklift-type arms…know what I mean? And then I opened the airlock and the queen got sucked into outer space after hanging on to my leg for a few moments. I escaped because I can do a pull-up due to my upper-body strength. Incredibly difficult experience — I still have trouble talking about it."
Walz's saga has been hailed as "incredible" and "heroic" by several journalists with experience reporting on war zones in other countries. While several political commentators have expressed doubts about the veracity of Walz's story, they have not been heard from for several weeks after getting exclusive interviews with the Harris/Walz campaign.
At publishing time, Tim Walz had further defended his military record by telling journalists about the time he bravely cut Darth Maul in half after the Sith had killed his master.
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