U.S. — After revelations that Tim Walz had a secret romantic relationship with the daughter of a Chinese Communist Party (CCP) official, Walz has assured voters that he never would have had an affair with her if he'd realized she was a woman.
"I'm a bit of a knucklehead, what can I say?" Tim Walz said as he passionately waved his arms around. "I would never have done it if I knew Wang was a woman - trust me."
The relationship reportedly lasted four years, yet Walz has remained adamant that he had no idea that she wasn't a dude. "I'm as embarrassed as anyone," said Walz. "If I had known from the beginning that she was a woman, I would have walked away. I would never, ever have been involved in such a sordid affair, especially with a family member of a high-ranking communist official, if I knew she was a girl. Never."
The Trump campaign considered making a statement on the matter, but figured it was best to just let Kamala and Tim talk.
Vice President Kamala Harris addressed the scandal by reframing it as a good thing, explaining that this just proves Tim Walz is a "normal guy from the Midwest" who is "super-duper straight." Unfortunately, her speech was cut short when Tim Walz joined her on stage with a playful prance.
At publishing time, Tim Walz had been hit with another "October Surprise" when he was informed he had a wife.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
