U.S. — After revelations that Tim Walz had a secret romantic relationship with the daughter of a Chinese Communist Party (CCP) official, Walz has assured voters that he never would have had an affair with her if he'd realized she was a woman.
"I'm a bit of a knucklehead, what can I say?" Tim Walz said as he passionately waved his arms around. "I would never have done it if I knew Wang was a woman - trust me."
The relationship reportedly lasted four years, yet Walz has remained adamant that he had no idea that she wasn't a dude. "I'm as embarrassed as anyone," said Walz. "If I had known from the beginning that she was a woman, I would have walked away. I would never, ever have been involved in such a sordid affair, especially with a family member of a high-ranking communist official, if I knew she was a girl. Never."
The Trump campaign considered making a statement on the matter, but figured it was best to just let Kamala and Tim talk.
Vice President Kamala Harris addressed the scandal by reframing it as a good thing, explaining that this just proves Tim Walz is a "normal guy from the Midwest" who is "super-duper straight." Unfortunately, her speech was cut short when Tim Walz joined her on stage with a playful prance.
At publishing time, Tim Walz had been hit with another "October Surprise" when he was informed he had a wife.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
