NEW YORK — The crime wave continued in New York as cameras caught yet another man being mugged, this time right on the right field line in Yankees stadium.
According to eyewitnesses, a man by the name of "Mookie" had his belongings ripped right out of his hands by two men, who were reportedly both wearing Yankees gear.
Despite the whole ordeal being seen on video, New York officials have reiterated to citizens that crime in New York is, in fact, down. "I want to assure everyone that Yankee Stadium is the safest in America," said Mayor Eric Adams in a press conference. "No one is mugging anyone, certainly not athletes, and certainly not right-fielders."
After his statement, concerned reporters showed Mayor Adams video of the episode. "That one doesn't count," explained Adams. "Mookie is not a New Yorker so he doesn't count. And nothing was stolen either, the ball bounced away. No harm, no foul. That's just how crime works."
At publishing time, Satan had seen the video and reportedly switched his allegiance from the Dodgers back to the Yankees.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
