MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Amid allegations of stolen valor and exaggeration of his military service, Minnesota governor and Vice-Presidential candidate Tim Walz has clarified that he's actually just redistributing valor, not stealing it.
Walz's justification for his appropriation of respect which he never earned in battle came in the middle of a press conference in which reporters were inquiring about whether Walz had abandoned his unit after hearing that they would be deployed to a dangerous war zone only to tell people that he had served in combat.
"Let me say categorically, I have never and will never steal anyone's valor," Walz stated, rubbing what looked like a homemade Purple Heart with his sleeve. "What I will do, however, is redistribute valor from over-privileged owners of valor, such as soldiers who have courageously risked their lives for their country in combat. I believe in an equitable distribution of valor, where I, who bravely and self-sacrificially allowed my beloved unit to go into battle without me so that I could make sure my political career didn't suffer, may receive just as many accolades as a war-wounded vet who actually served in the Middle East."
"Say it with me — tax the valor-rich!" Walz ended.
While Walz's former fellow soldiers have continued to vocally denounce Walz's "unscrupulous attempt to ride into power on other people's courage," several journalists and political commentators on the Middle East have praised Walz's commitment to fair and equitable redistribution of valor.
At publishing time, Walz had further defended his actions by explaining that he was "more actually just borrowing other people's valor" and that he would "give it right back" after the election.
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