U.S. — According to sources, an exhausted nation was wishing Minnesota would just be normal for, like, five minutes.
Insiders revealed that every sane person in America had grown tired of Minnesota being unable to go more than a few seconds without some type of bizarre scandal or horrific incident.
"Please," said one American citizen. "We're tired. Please just be normal, Minnesota. Please, we beg you."
Experts were reportedly stumped as to what Minnesota's major problem is or how it got so bad. "Yeah, it beats me," said Dr. Harold Beeker, an expert on states. "Minnesota is kinda insane right now. It needs to calm down before the rest of the country loses its patience. This isn't healthy for anyone."
When reached for comment, several Minnesotans responded to reporters, saying "RRREEEEEEEEEEE!" Others Minnesotans disagreed, instead stating: "Minnesota way fiicantahay. Ma jiraan wax khalad ah halkan. Fadlan tag Jooji duubista."
The reporters were then forced to flee as the Minnesotans they were interviewing tried to run them over with their cars.
Outgoing Minnesota Governor Tim Walz weighed in by waving his arms flamboyantly and stating that he was pleading the fifth and that Minnesota's streak of being awful was the result of extreme right-wing conspirators.
At publishing time, the nation did say it at least appreciated Minnesota providing a little distraction from the insanity of California.
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