FRANKLIN, TN — In a bold defense of orthodox Christianity, New York Times columnist David French has come forward to announce that he will be transitioning to female in order to save traditional masculinity from itself.

French courageously revealed his decision to transition in an opinion piece entitled "How I, David French, Must Save Traditional Masculinity From Itself By Becoming A Woman."

"It was a tough decision to make, but traditional masculinity has become inimical to itself," French's article reads. "I have therefore decided that the only way to truly defend it is for me to transition myself to female."

"As a sane evangelical Christian — perhaps the only one remaining in the country — I want everyone to understand that I'm still defending masculinity," French clarified in the conclusion of his essay. "However, because the far-right, conservative reactionaries in the evangelical world have chosen to set traditional masculinity at odds with the gospel I believe, I have no choice but to transition in defense of true manhood. Here I stand — my conscience is bound by the New York Times and I can do no other."

Responses to French's article were quite heated, revealing the deep-seated divisions in the church that David French has worked tirelessly to expose.

"David who?" belligerently asked William McKinley, a conservative Christian. "Wait…that guy hasn't already transitioned?"

At publishing time, David French had published another opinion piece, this time stating that he was going to save Christianity from itself by denying every Christian doctrine he could find.

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