Sports
Tim Tebow Suspended For Using Performance-Enhancing Bible Verses

BINGHAMTON, NY—League officials confirmed Thursday that Double-A baseball player and devout Christian Tim Tebow has been suspended for using performance-enhancing Bible verses both on and off the field.

Tebow was spotted injecting the encouraging Bible passages into his morning devotional in the team’s locker room and was reported to appropriate authorities. He is barred from playing in the league until a full investigation of his Bible-reading activities can be conducted.

“The league has a zero-tolerance policy on Bible verses that inspire and encourage a player to do his best and play for the glory of God, and thus bestow an unfair advantage,” league investigator Mack Columbeau said in a press conference. “We will be looking into this matter objectively and completely before rendering a final judgment on Mr. Tebow. If he has violated league policy, he’ll be punished appropriately.”

According to sources close to the matter, Tebow had looked around to make sure no one was in the locker room, but had forgotten the closed circuit cameras. He then flipped to the “highly illegal” PEVs Philippians 4:13 and Joshua 1:9 and slowly read through them and their appropriate contexts, before hiding his Bible contraband back in his baseball bag and trotting out to the field for practice.

“The evidence is pretty convincing—this doesn’t look good for Tebow’s career,” Columbeau added.