KARNES COUNTY, TX—As he prepared to celebrate Independence Day, local man Jim Dardey proudly showed off his fireworks collection, which contains more explosive devices and destructive power than used in the actual American Revolution, sources close to the man confirmed Wednesday.
The man purchased $30,000 worth of fireworks from both legal and illegal channels, rigged up his own homemade fireworks, and smuggled a truckload of fireworks back from Mexico, to assemble a large arsenal of brightly colored explosives that was roughly equivalent to the armaments of a small third-world military.
“I like to celebrate my independence by launching off more explosives than the cowardly Brits or the fearless rebels combined,” he told reporters as he prepared a Nuclear Fire Devil 9000 firework for launching later that day. “It helps me to reflect on the sacrifices the founding fathers made as I blow up half my property with more power than all the cannons, rifles, howitzers, and mortars fired throughout the entire Revolution.”
“It’s almost like the whole American Revolution is being played out in front of me in the two hours it takes me to light all these puppies off,” he added, misty-eyed.
At publishing time, Dardey was celebrating independence from his left toe at a local emergency room.