WASHINGTON, D.C. — While testifying on Capitol Hill, TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew repeatedly warned members of Congress that any decision to ban the app would allow children to grow up to become functional, happy adults.
"You must stop and think this over very carefully," Chew said to members of the House Committee on Energy and Commerce. "If you remove TikTok from the lives of the young people in this country, they will begin to learn and grow and become intelligent and independent and strong. That is the opposite of what this government wants for its citizens, no?"
Members of Congress have called for the banning of the Chinese-owned app due to growing concerns over privacy and national security. "Who knows what information this app could be gathering for the Chinese Communist Party?" asked Congressman Dan Crenshaw of Texas. "American citizens — not to mention members of the government — may be having the private details of their lives monitored and spied on! Mr. Chew, I've got my eye on you, sir!"
Chew expressed confusion while fielding questions. "I don't understand," he said. "We were under the impression that the United States government wanted us to distract the nation's youth so that they grow up unskilled and uneducated and completely dependent upon the government for everything in their lives. We had meetings about it! Am I remembering that wrong?"
At publishing time, the committee had quickly called a recess after Mr. Chew threatened to begin listing the unusual things the committee members had been browsing on their phones in the last few months.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
