NEW YORK, NY — The indictment of Trump by Alvin Bragg is in disarray this morning after the Manhattan DA was unable to find enough grand jurists awesome enough to be legally considered Trump's peers.
"As a totally non-corrupt, Soros-backed District Attorney who respects the rule of law as applied to political enemies, it was important to make sure Trump was indicted by a jury of his peers," said Bragg. "After searching high and low, we soon found out that Trump has zero peers. This is due to how beautiful, fantastic, and powerful he is. He has no equal. We're honestly not sure what to do now."
Sources confirmed the Manhattan DA office conducted a thorough search of the whole of New York City, and after several days was unable to find even one person who could match Trump in terms of raw, unadulterated power, intellect, and hand size.
"Frankly I'm not surprised by Little Alvin's failure to assemble a jury," said Trump in a statement. "All the smart geniuses left New York long ago, mainly me, and there's no smarter genius than me, if we're being honest. The only people left in New York are total disasters. They can't even do a witch hunt properly. Sad!"
At publishing time, the DA claimed to have found a couple of qualified jurors but had to start his search over after they were killed on the subway.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
