U.S. — Ticketmaster crashed early Friday following the announcement that Psalty the Singing Songbook would bring his "Funtastic Praise Party Reunion Tour" to the United States in time for Christmas. Demand for Psalty tickets immediately overwhelmed the popular ticket broker, leading to a company-wide outage that drove up the price of tickets for Taylor Swift, Harry Styles, and Psalty.
The anthropomorphized hymnal imbued with the Holy Spirit, popular for such classic hits as "The Butterfly Song" and "Arky Arky," expressed disappointment in Ticketmaster's shoddy business practices and demanded they fire CEO Ricky Rat immediately.
"Repent or risk suffering the second death that comes when you are tossed into the lake of fire," Psalty said in an official statement.
At publishing time, tickets for Psalty's upcoming tour had sold out. He will reportedly be joined on stage by Taylor Swift for a touching duet of "The Bible Alphabet Song."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
