CAMBRIDGE — Following years of painstaking study about the nature of the afterlife for those who do not go to Heaven, theologians have confirmed that Hell is a nightclub where you keep yelling that you want to go home but your friends can't hear you over how loud the DJ is playing Nicki Minaj for all eternity.
An exegetical study of biblical texts led scholars to determine that the final destination of all those who are not in Christ will, in fact, eternally replicate the experience of going out with your friends to an oppressively loud nightclub where you and your friends are all shouting at each other without anyone understanding what is being said.
"It's a frightening discovery," said Professor Blake Rumsey of the Theology Department at the University of Cambridge. "Where Hell was once thought of as a burning wasteland of flames and darkness, we can now confirm that it will actually be something far more terrifying and ominous."
Rumsey then detailed the horrifying experience awaiting those who enter Hell. "Nicki Minaj on an endless, deafening loop. You're screaming to your friends that you're ready to leave the nightclub. But they can't hear you. You can't hear you. No one can hear you. All anyone can hear is Nicki Minaj. Forever. All you will have is despair. And Nicki Minaj."
At publishing time, the theologians also confirmed that the bathroom at Hell's nightclub will also be perpetually occupied and the bar serves nothing but La Croix.
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