ESCONDIDO, CA — A Presbyterian seminary has taken swift action by expelling a student who violated standards of character and conduct when he decided to smoke low-quality cigars on campus.
Westminster Seminary California was founded in 1980 and since that time has always been committed to doctrinal clarity, rigorous academics, and superior tobacco. They know that part of becoming Reformed means taking up smoking, so they wrote tobacco standards for both students and faculty. These standards were placed alongside the Three Forms Of Unity and the Westminster Confession of Faith to maintain clear rules for the campus.
"Our conduct policy in the student handbook could not be more clear," said President Knox. "We must match our superior theology as set forth in the reformed confessions of the 16th and 17th century with superior taste in the finest cigars. If we lower standards in one area, we will be tempted to lower them in other areas."
Unfortunately, the now-expelled student had been caught in the courtyard smoking stogies that he had picked up for $2 a stick at some gas station nearby campus.
"It was clearly some off-brand machine pressed, chemically enhanced stick filled with short filler chop tobacco — maybe a Black And Mild or a Swisher Sweet," Knox continued with a shudder. "Certainly not something any respectable Presbyterian should be caught smoking, let alone someone preparing for the ministry of the Word."
"Smoking one of those gas station sticks might give people the impression that you aren't really reformed but just some sort of weird Baptist."
At publishing time, Westminster Seminary California has begun placing signs around campus reminding students that their body is a temple and to only bring high-quality incense from premium cigars into that temple.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
