PRINCETON, NJ—The makers of Tickle Me Elmo are releasing a brand new toy based on presidential candidate Joe Biden with a new and exciting twist. Unlike the previous toy which received and reacted to tickles, the Tickle You Biden doles out tickles uninvited and can appear at any moment with its rapidly wiggling fingers at your sides, often surprising you from behind. This fresh take on the beloved classic children's toy will give your child the feeling of being in the warm, lovable presence of one of America’s most beloved presidential candidates.
“With people lining up by the dozens to see Joe Biden on the campaign trail, we realized that not every child would have a chance to experience his quirky brand of affection,” said John Frascotti, CEO of Tyco Toys. “Tickle You Biden will be the best experience outside the real thing.”
Tickle You Biden boasts several innovative features. These include realistic nose-nuzzling action, warm, heavy breathing, and of course, Biden’s signature waist-tickle. A state-of-the-art voice box will play Biden’s signature catchphrases like: “Goochy Goochy Goo!” “Ooo Gotcha!” “You’re pretty just like your mother,” and “MMMMmmmmm…..” If children refuse Biden’s tickles, he will call them a “Lyin, Dog-Faced Pony Soldier” and his eyes will shoot blood defensively much like an angry horny toad.
The manufacturer does warn parents that the toy has little to no tolerance for malarkey. "We can't be held responsible for what happens if this toy is exposed to large quantities of malarkey," said toy designer Hans Hilden. "Its reaction would be catastrophic beyond belief."
Tyco Toys hopes to quickly have Tickle You Biden on store shelves and sold before Biden drops out of the race later this afternoon.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.