LOS ANGELES, CA — According to sources, American singer-songwriter Billie Eilish successfully defended her land from members of the Tongva Tribe, an indigenous people native to the LA basin, who claim her home is built on their land.
"The Injuns are a comin'!" Eilish reportedly warned her team of butlers as wild savages appeared on the horizon. "We gotta' defend the homestead from these redskins!"
Eilish, who recently claimed that no one is illegal on stolen land, has been forced to fend off numerous attacks from local Native American peoples who demanded she "walk the talk" and give up the land she stole from them. A traveling writer by the name of Owen Miller reportedly saw the whole thing and was first to report on it to local authorities. He has since written a firsthand account of what he calls a "righteous battle" in his new book Wildflower: The Struggle of Billie the Eilish.
According to Miller, Eilish cried aloud, "I own this land by rights! I signed the deed with my sweat and blood!" as she clubbed a savage with her musket. "I didn't see your name on it, blanket head!"
At publishing time, Billie Eilish, burdened with pride, had not heeded the advice of settlers to abandon her land and join with the nearby village. When the Indians inevitably regrouped and attacked again, she was overrun and scalped.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
