AUSTIN, TX — Elon Musk, the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, is finally ready to take America into the future with his new invention of glowing cylinders with handles on the top that you can push into a slot and lock into place.
"It's big, heavy, and it glows," Elon Musk said to thunderous applause. "And it can be inserted to power up, like, a spaceship, or a really cool mech, or a super weapon or something. It's really cool."
"Every sci-fi movie and computer game has told us for years that this is where the future is going, and it's time to make the future a reality."
Musk showed off the new device by slowly inserting it into a coolant reactor and locking it into place to prevent an orbital research station from exploding at the last second. He clarified: "This is an extreme case. But you can also use it to power a television remote if that's what you want to do."
The glowing cylinders will be sold under the Tesla label and marketed to any average user who has ever wanted to pick up large glowing cylinders by the handle, slowly insert them into a device, and lock them into place. Per a Tesla press release, the product sold out within 3 minutes.
At publishing time, Elon Musk had also announced a cool new ancient-looking metal ball that maybe you could insert into some kind of alien temple pedestal and it activates a hologram map or something.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
