U.S. — Former presidential candidate turned Trump supporter Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Monday that he would make Americans healthy again by pointing and laughing at fat kids.
"Hahaha! Fatty!" RFK Jr. said as he pretended to point off in the distance. "See? Like that."
Media pundits have expressed concern about RFK's methods, pointing out that no one likes being bullied and that it can scar some kids for life.
"Maybe you should lose some weight then, eh tubby?" RFK told Brian Stelter on CNN. "Maybe people would stop calling you a potato if you looked less like a potato, fatty."
Sources later confirmed that Stelter's cholesterol went down by several points after the altercation.
Representatives from the American Medical Association pushed back on RFK for being "a meany head" and advised President-elect Trump to change course. "Pointing and laughing at fat people ignores the underlying reasons for obesity in America. You can't admonish people for being overweight while you eat Big Macs in your ivory tower," said Sandra Eve, a dietician who sits on the AMA's board.
RFK hit back at all naysayers by flexing his muscles and doing push-ups while explaining that he can, in fact, "do whatever I want, chub-chub."
At publishing time, RFK Jr went on The View and successfully shamed Whoopie Goldberg into an eating disorder.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
