The Bee Presents: A More Realistic Order Of Worship
Church · Jan 22, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

If you've been to church lately, you have probably noticed that the so-called "order of worship" really serves as more of a vague set of suggestions. Here, we present to you a more realistic order of worship, in all its glory:

  • 9:00 - Church service begins
  • 9:07 - Church service actually begins
  • 9:08 - Junior pastor repeats everything that was already written in the bulletin
  • 9:10 - Greet your neighbor!
  • 9:12 - Expertly-timed arrival of introverts
  • 9:13 - Opening song "Good, Good Father"
  • 9:33 - "Good, Good Father" mercifully comes to a close
  • 9:34 - Hendersons finally show up
  • 9:35 - Worship leader announces next song is an original
  • 9:40 - Congregation removes earplugs
  • 9:40 - Pastor leads prayer while praise band disappears into the ether
  • 9:41 - Pastor begins weekly brawl with lapel mic
  • 9:43 - Untangled from lapel mic, Pastor nails opening joke
  • 9:44 - Mrs. Allen begins unwrapping hard candy
  • 9:45 - Sound guy finally remembers to flip the slide from "Good, Good Father"
  • 9:46 - Lapel mic crashes. Sound guy awkwardly speed walks to front with hand-held mic, sermon resumes
  • 9:50 - Mrs. Allen finishes unwrapping hard candy
  • 9:55 - Sermon wraps up with closing prayer, praise band rematerializes from the ether
  • 9:56 - Offering baskets passed to collect money from any Dave Ramsey disciples who still carry cash
  • 9:59 - Helicopter moms leave to retrieve kids from nursery
  • 10:00 - Closing song begins. Sound guy realizes backup singer never had her mic turned on. Decides it was for the best
  • 10:05 - Introverts take to flight
  • 10:06 - Service ends!

Now go take our handy order of worship to church, and see if it isn't more accurate than your bulletin!


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