Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.
And remember, it's just an election year. How crazy could it be?
January 3 - Kamala becomes President after Biden passes away peacefully in his sleep underneath her pillow
January 4 - Biden revealed to only be mostly dead, regains Presidency
January 6 - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dies again
January 9 - David French publishes revolutionary op-ed "The Conservative Case For Only Supporting Progressive Causes"
January 23 - Streaming services all band together to provide content bundled for $180/month, finally letting you get rid of cable
February 12 - Los Angeles Dodgers sign all baseball players in existence, including the reanimated corpses of Babe Ruth, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and Ty Cobb
February 23 - Ozempic revealed to give patients a taste for human flesh, thus ushering in the zombie apocalypse
February 28 - The population of Mexico reaches 0 as everyone crosses the border into the U.S.
March 1 - Americans begin migrating to now-empty Mexico in search of a better life
March 2 - Trump asks Ron DeSantis to be his running mate
March 3 - Trump tells DeSantis "SIKE!"
March 31 - Elon Musk fathers 73rd child
April 1 - Biden announces plans to cut government spending, stop funding foreign wars, and secure our own border
April 15 - Nothing of note happens
April 19 - AOC posts something really dumb on X
April 20 - Joel Osteen posts something really dumb on X
May 4 - Disney announces all-female Star Wars remake featuring Brie Larson as Luke Skywalker and Lizzo as Obi-Wan Kenobi
May 5 - Disney stock price reaches all-time low, Disney execs baffled
May 7 - Obama comes out as even gayer
May 8 - To raise campaign funds Chris Christie joins OnlyFans
May 19 - Pfizer accidentally announces vaccine for new COVID variant that hasn't been released yet
May 20 - Pfizer announces new COVID variant
June 5 - Trump announces that he has destroyed Hillary Clinton's final Horcrux
June 7 - Newsom raises fast food worker minimum wage to $1000 an hour
June 8 - McDonald's raises Big Mac price to $1000
July 4 - True Americans fire rockets into the sky and barbecue dead animals, giving some a sliver of hope that we might just survive all this
July 9 - Camper full of meth with license plate HUNTER found on White House lawn, Secret Service unable to identify owner
July 31 - Global warming causes warm temperatures for 3 months for some reason
August 1 - After floods, earthquakes, mudslides, and droughts fail, God sends asteroid to destroy California
August 2 - Steve in Des Moines, Iowa, eats a delicious breakfast burrito and all is well in the world for just a few hours
August 3 - Steve suffers consequences of eating a breakfast burrito made in Iowa
August 22 - Massive protests erupt over manufactured controversy to give Democrats steam going into election
September 2 - Valve Software finally releases long-awaited Half-Life 3, but it's a mobile game with microtransactions
September 8 - Lizzo eats 3 more backup dancers
September 27 - Final kid in America becomes transgender, everyone begins detransitioning since now that's rebellious and cool
September 30 - Aiden of Toledo, Ohio finds a really cool stick in the woods
October 4 - 162-win Dodgers eliminated from playoffs in first round by 83-win Padres
November 1 - San Diego Padres win first-ever World Series (writer of this list is just saying stuff he wants to happen at this point)
November 4 - New pandemic, cyberattack, land war, George Floyd 2.0, global famine, alien invasion, civil war begins
November 5 - Trump wins election in a historic landslide victory of 128 million votes
November 6 - Trump preemptively impeached on 52 different counts
November 7 - Biden declared the winner of the election after 127 million mail-in votes arrived overnight
November 28 - Biden admin announces that the cost of Thanksgiving dinner has never been lower at $9,628,000 per household
December 1 - Your wife completes all the Christmas shopping for you, the kids, everyone you know, and herself
December 6 - Southern California man Kyle wins trivia night at a pub and basks in eternal glory
December 23 - You wonder if you should get your wife something for Christmas
December 25 - Google updates their Google Doodle to recognize the historic birth of a genderqueer lesbian artist woman of color
December 26 - Your wife isn't talking to you for some reason
December 31 - Despite extensive research efforts, there are still only 2 genders. Weird!
What do you think will happen? Let us know in the comments!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
