We are pleased to announce our Person of the Year 2019 is Hillary Clinton please send help.
Our editorial board wants it to be very clear that we did not make this decision while under any kind of threat or duress. We polled everybody on our staff, and they all agreed that Hillary Clinton is a stunning, brave, and wonderful woman who wouldn't hurt our families or cause bodily harm to come to us if we did not select her oh my gosh a windowless van just pulled up in front of my house please send someone over now oh man guys with guns are getting out oh no.
From her work on human rights issues to her love for the unborn, Hillary Clinton is one of the greatest individuals to ever grace this great country. please do not break my kneecaps
What an amazing woman! She is our president, and it's disgusting that the election was stolen by the Orange Man working together with Putin.
Oh no they've detected this message and any second they're gonna get in here and
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