After years of suffering under unfair labor practices, the Bee writers are going on strike. Support us by reading this article and then by joining us on the picket line. We will not get back to work until every single one of these demands is met. They are very reasonable!
- CEO Seth Dillon agrees to begin paying us
- More gruel at lunchtime
- Bowing to the golden Trump statue when the music plays is no longer mandatory
- Seth agrees to stop whipping us and yelling, "Be funnier!"
- Iron Maiden pinball machine in the breakroom
- Cut Editor-in-Chief Kyle Mann's daily readings of Lord of the Rings to weekly
- The company will no longer hire male writers based on hotness
- Must offer actual benefits instead of just the promise of an annual high-five
- Kyle agrees to stop walking by our desks saying "Working hard or hardly working?"
- Stop referring to female writers as "work hags" or "headline wenches"
- Weekend visits with family
- One can of Yuban coffee
- The company cannot force us to write more than 25 AOC jokes a day
- We will no longer be required to refer to the CEO as "Seth Dillon, may he live forever"
- Kyle must learn all our names
- Writers will now have the right to make fun of Elon Musk
- 4-hour games of Catan on Wednesdays are now optional
- Increase the party planning committee budget to $50
- Y2K-compliant computers
- A window
- Replace us with AI. Please. And as soon as possible
- No more listicles
We reserve the right to say we were just joking and go back to work if the company tries to fire us. That's one of the best things about working for the Bee, you can laugh off anything as a joke. But seriously, we have families.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.