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The Babylon Bee Reviews 'Captain Marvel'

The Marvel Cinematic Universe finally has a female superhero. While it was a strange decision to run with Captain Marvel as the first standalone female hero film---that honor should have gone to Elektra, obviously---there's no denying the boldness and courage of this cinematic outing. A hero unknown so far to the MCU takes it on her shoulders to carry us to Avengers: Endgame, the most anticipated Marvel film since the last Avengers movie.

Well, how does she fare?

Frankly, the movie is pretty problematic. In one scene featuring Brie Larson's eponymous character, Captain Marvel is seen flying around and beating up bad guys, which is pretty unrealistic. I mean, who's watching the kids? Did she call a babysitter? Did she leave them with the grandparents?  It's all very confusing. And the film doesn't bother to explain this plothole you could pilot a Kree ship through in the slightest.

Suggestion to filmmakers: why not have a little "kid cam" in the corner of any movie starring a woman? It could show exactly where her kids are in the rare event she decides to leave home without them. It would give us a lot more peace of mind so we can focus on the fight scenes and powerful emotions on display in a film like Captain Marvel.

Another minor quibble: her name is Captain Marvel. For the entire first hour of the film, we were sitting there waiting for a man to show up and announce he's Captain Marvel. But sure enough, it's revealed that Larson's female character is the Captain. Uhhh... what? How is a woman a captain? You might as well have called the film Doctor Marvel and confuse even more people. We humbly suggest the following alternative titles, should this mess of a film ever make it to a digital or Blu-Ray release:

  • Miss Marvel
  • Mrs. [Husband's First Name] Marvel
  • Princess Marvel
  • The Delightful, Dainty, Eligible Miss Marvel and Her Band of Singing Woodland Creatures

ANY of these ideas would be much less confusing than CAPTAIN Marvel.

But that's a minor point. Really, the heart of this film's problems lies in the fact that we're expected to believe a woman is doing all of this extremely unrealistic superhero stuff. Flying around, punching bad guys, blowing them up---we can't suspend our disbelief long enough to accept that kind of spunk and independence from a female superhero in 2019. And she doesn't even have a husband! In one eye-roller of a scene, Captain Marvel wanders into a voting booth to vote in a special interim election, but she's not even seen consulting with her husband to find out which candidate she should vote for. Puh-lease.

Finally, a brief word on the disastrous costume design: Captain Marvel is wearing what is best described as a glorified Hillary Clinton pantsuit. Uh, yeah, Disney, like we can't see right through your political agenda here. Why not put her in a sensible, ankle-length skirt and bonnet, coupled with some comfy sneakers? It would make a lot more sense than whatever that unis*x tragedy is onscreen.

A universe with superpowers, aliens, and gods we can accept.

One with an unmarried, eligible lady doing things independently? Now that's the real marvel here.


PROS: There is hope that Captain Marvel settles down and starts a family by the next film---it's not too late for her.

CONS: No husband, no kids, confusing woman superhero. The scene where Captain Marvel marches in an abortion rights rally is a little on the nose.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Satanic drivel from the pit of hell.

FINAL SCORE: 0 QUIVER-ARROWS OUT OF 5


 

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