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The day you have dreaded is finally here! It's time to send your progressive kids into that COVID-infected world of white supremacy known as public school. Will a bully misgender them? Will they meet enough sexual partners? It can be a scary time, but it's slightly less scary if you're prepared. Here's what you should have on your shopping list:
-Extra kleenex in case there are no conservative students nearby to drink their tears: Conservatives are usually walking around with special tumblers for catching delicious liberal tears, but your child should be prepared-- just in case they aren't around.
-Ziplock baggies of Kale: Every good liberal keeps at least a few of these on hand to fuel their rage at heteronormative white supremacy. Be sure to stock up on extra kombucha as well.
-A brown paper bag: This should be used to cover your child's head if they're white.
-Bricks and Molotovs for the anti-school-choice protest their teacher is organizing: Make sure your kid is prepared for the most important life skill: protesting!
-A coffin, since they will probably die of COVID: If your liberal kid is going to school, they will definitely get COVID and die. Be sure and have their last will and testament ready to go as well.
-Extra opposite-gender clothing in case they need to switch genders during recess: It's a great way to get out of kickball.
-Cyanide capsule for if someone tries to give them an opinion they disagree with: If someone expresses a conflicting opinion, it's game over. Train them to quickly bite down on the capsule and fall over to avoid debate.
-Gasoline and matches in case they ever encounter an American Flag: Or worse... a Tuttle Twins book!
-Set of crayons for drawing inclusivity rainbows: Don't forget to remove all white crayons.
-A calculator that gives an answer of "5" when you enter "2+2": Teach your kid to reject western obsession with "correct answers" and decolonize math!
-Extra Plan B pills: Also, be sure to pack a megaphone so they can shout their abortion at recess!
-Spiked mace to crush human skulls with: In case they encounter a Nazi.
-A Tuttle Twins book: For burning.
NOT SATIRE: Help us save school children from leftwing indoctrination! Here is how the Tuttle Twins is fighting back:
The Tuttle Twins children's book series is teaching the rising generation about the ideas of freedom, free markets, individual responsibility, and American history.
It costs roughly $10 to print and distribute one copy of the Tuttle Twins. Our goal is to raise $10,000 from Babylon Bee readers.
Thank you,
Connor Boyack
Author, Tuttle Twins
