WASHINGTON, D.C.—A new, government-funded study has found that the solution to all the problems the government has created is more government, according to the government.
According to the study, whenever the government messes everything up, just a little bit more government can fix the problem the government created (according to all the studies funded by the government). While most people would assume that you want less government when the government creates a problem, this study, funded by the government, debunks this assumption.
"Incredibly, this study, funded by the government, has proven conclusively that all the problems the government has created are easily solved by adding more government to the mix," said lead researcher Tad Mollison, who is paid by the government to study how to fix the problems created by the government. "We know there are a lot of really bad problems out there, and yes, the government might have contributed in a slight way to some of them."
"The science has spoken: Adding a little bit more government should do the trick," he added. He then left the press conference to go cash his massive check he had just received from the government.