Dear Mr. Rogan,
The Babylon Bee is excited to offer you an incredible business opportunity. We know it's been tough for your podcast since people decided to come after you and cancel you. Rest assured, you can throw off the woke cancellation mob and become your own boss by agreeing to sell essential oils with us from the comfort of your home!
Eucalyptus Radiata? We got it. Lavender? Of course, it's a staple. Myrrh? We wouldn't be where we are today without Jesus' essential oil of choice.
If you partner with us in this lucrative endeavor, you can work from home and set your own hours. Need a sick day? No problem! Although, to be honest, you won't have any sick days if you anoint yourself with cassia oils.
It's not a pyramid scheme. It's multi-level marketing. With enough hard work, you can even make up to $100 million dollars, exactly what Rumble is already offering you. But because you're devoting yourself to such a godly Christian profession you'll also be laying up treasures in heaven.
Don't even think about it. Send us money, we'll send you some oils that are absolutely not watered down. And you can keep doing your podcast too if you like, as long as you prioritize the sale of essential oils. It's time to take charge of your life! Join us!
Sincerely,
Your friends at The Babylon Bee
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
