BEIJING - NBC's Olympic coverage of the Men's Figure Skating event did not disappoint the network's nearly hundreds of viewers as acclaimed Chinese figure skater Jin Boyang executed a flawless performance while several laser dots danced around on his forehead.
The international skating phenom glided across the ice with grace, poise, and red laser dots shimmering on his sweating cranium as if there were no overwhelming terror of imminent death. His technical perfection made the choreography come alive to the ever-popular hit Chinese pop song, "March of the Volunteers," also known as the Chinese National Anthem.
The crowd of dozens erupted into wild applause as he capped his flawless performance by successfully landing an extremely difficult triple-bypass-double-axel while under the steel gaze of trained snipers.
After winning the coveted gold medal for his historic performance and receiving permission to talk to journalists, Jin Boyang dedicated the win to the great nation of China, and his family, wherever they were being held.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.