CANAAN - According to sources, a suspicious group of nomad religious fanatics was spotted marching around the city of Jericho while blowing trumpets made out of rams horns. With citizens feeling on edge over the constant ominous noise, the King of Jericho has moved to make all horn blowing illegal.
"I don't want any horn blowing, marching, or carrying of fancy-looking gold boxes that contain stone tablets!" declared the King from his royal throne. "They who blow must go!"
Sources indicate the people picked up his decree as a mantra, using it to mock the Israelites.
"They who blow must go! They who blow must go!"
According to sources, the king was initially pleased when the Israelites gave up and returned to camp, but the victory was short-lived as they returned the very next day to once more blow horns and annoy everybody.
The king consulted his advisors. "What even is this?" the king asked. "They're not listening to me!"
"O King, live forever!" said Chief Advisor Nahor. "They claim to be led by the One True God who cut off the waters of the Jordan. They say you are just a man and that they will soon conquer this city!"
After beheading Nahor, the king told everyone he was sick and went off to hide in an undisclosed location until the Israelites just give up and leave.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
