HOLLYWOOD, CA - In a recently published press release nobody read, a movie nobody watched raised nobody's eyebrows by being nominated to receive multiple awards at a ceremony nobody watches.
"The movie was outstanding, a masterpiece of cinema sure to inspire generations of film auteurs," said a member of an academy nobody heard of during a press conference nobody attended.
The nominated movie nobody watched may very well be added to the long list of other award-winners nobody watched from a movie studio nobody cares about run by an executive producer nobody wants to be caught alone in a room with. Other memorable films by the studio include The Movie About a Dysfunctional Family Nobody Watched, as well as The Historical Drama About Past Societal Grievances Nobody Watched Either.
The movie's star-studded cast of actors nobody recognizes will begin interview tours of daytime and late-night shows nobody can stand watching, while movie critics nobody has heard of will soon voice their own opinions nobody asked for on podcasts nobody has downloaded.
Hollywood columnists nobody reads are already reporting one actor nobody likes nominated for a category nobody knew existed has already begun writing an acceptance speech nobody will hear.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.