With the Republican presidential primary looking all but wrapped up, attention now turns to who Donald Trump will choose as his vice-presidential running mate. The Babylon Bee writers, expert investigative journalists that we are, have managed to obtain Trump's official short list of potential VP picks:
- A Stanley tumbler: Get ready for unprecedented support from suburban white women.
- Pop-Tart Guy: The breakfast pastry that captivated the nation could be the ultimate unifying choice.
- Nikki Haley's husband: Just to really mess with her.
- Argentinian President Javier Milei: Just think of the hair!
- The lucky fan who buys the 1 millionth Trump NFT: Congrats, Martha from Ohio!
- Macaulay Culkin: The Home Alone 2 reunion America needs.
- Taylor Swift: Expect multiple cutaways to show her in the audience during every Trump speech.
- Voldemort: Oh no, the media was right — Trump IS pure evil!
- Hillary Clinton: Just so he can make her come to every Oval Office meeting and then say, "Sorry, Hillary, you're not in this one." Delicious!
- Jesus: Sure to lock down the Christian vote.
- Alec Baldwin: Every presidential candidate should have a running mate ready to use deadly force to protect him.
- Catturd2: The very best social media has to offer. We, too, cannot believe this is real life.
- Himself: After looking far and wide, Trump could find no one more qualified than Trump.
Gosh, we can't believe Mike Pence got left off. Keep an eye out, America - the next Vice President of the United States is somewhere on the list above!
World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.