AUSTIN, TX — Tensions have escalated dramatically between the federal government and the Lone Star State as illegal immigration continues unabated at the southern border. Following the Supreme Court's decision in favor of the Biden Administration's right to remove razor wire placed by Governor Abbott's National Guard, Texas Senator Ted Cruz grew out mutton chops in preparation for Civil War.
"I do declare that the fed'ral gubment has overstepped its authoriteh," said the Texas lawmaker to a crowd of armed Texans as his extravagant sideburns jiggled dramatically with each drawling syllable. "Our dear state is under bombardment by both invaders from the south and those good-fer-nuthin', carpet-baggin' bureaucrats from up nooowaath."
The crowd reportedly cheered in response, firing their AR-15's and pitchforks into the air with hoots and hollers. The state's southern belles then began lining up to donate their fine jewelry to the cause of smelting enough razor wire to surround the entire state in addition to the city of Austin.
Senator Cruz's wife, Miss Heidi "Annabelle" Cruz, was even seen tearfully removing the pearl earrings she'd purchased while in Cancun and placing them into the donation basket for smelting.
At publishing time, Senator Cruz had been seen riding a horse through town, yelling, "The Feds are coming! The Feds are coming! To arms! To arms!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
