In the year 2024, knowing which statues you can tear down is more confusing then ever! Will you be hailed as a hero of progress for fighting valiantly against colonization, or vilified and brought up on criminal charges for vandalizing a sacred monument?

Thankfully, The Babylon Bee has done your homework for you and put together the following guide to which statues you can — or can't — tear down:

• Yes: Thomas Jefferson, known bigot and slave owner
• No: Satan, brave and inclusive hero

• Yes: George Washington, father of racist country
• No: George Floyd, father of Black Lives Matter

• Yes: Andrew Jackson, white-skinned man who hosted dinner served by slaves
• No: Michael Jackson, white-skinned man who hosted fun sleepovers with kids

• Yes: Abraham Lincoln, war-mongering Republican president
• No: Xi Jinping, honorable Chinese president

• Yes: Robert E. Lee, model of Confederacy
• No: Male models in fountain at The Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too

• Yes: Marines hoisting flag on Iwo Jima, symbol of male toxicity
• No: Drag queens hoisting Pride flag, symbol of males being stunning and fabulous

• Yes: Confederate solider, who killed his own countrymen
• No: Antifa soldier, who killed his own countrymen

• Yes: Jesus, leader of evil and intolerant Christians
• No: Jesus holding a rainbow flag, leader of good and tolerant faux-Christians

By following the list above, you can eliminate all the guesswork the next time you're looking for a statue to destroy.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.