The Babylon Bee Guide To Which Statues You Can And Can't Tear Down
Life · Jan 31, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

In the year 2024, knowing which statues you can tear down is more confusing then ever! Will you be hailed as a hero of progress for fighting valiantly against colonization, or vilified and brought up on criminal charges for vandalizing a sacred monument?

Thankfully, The Babylon Bee has done your homework for you and put together the following guide to which statues you can — or can't — tear down:


  • Yes: Thomas Jefferson, known bigot and slave owner
  • No: Satan, brave and inclusive hero


  • Yes: George Washington, father of racist country
  • No: George Floyd, father of Black Lives Matter


  • Yes: Andrew Jackson, white-skinned man who hosted dinner served by slaves
  • No: Michael Jackson, white-skinned man who hosted fun sleepovers with kids


  • Yes: Abraham Lincoln, war-mongering Republican president
  • No: Xi Jinping, honorable Chinese president


  • Yes: Robert E. Lee, model of Confederacy
  • No: Male models in fountain at The Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too


  • Yes: Marines hoisting flag on Iwo Jima, symbol of male toxicity
  • No: Drag queens hoisting Pride flag, symbol of males being stunning and fabulous


  • Yes: Confederate solider, who killed his own countrymen
  • No: Antifa soldier, who killed his own countrymen


  • Yes: Jesus, leader of evil and intolerant Christians
  • No: Jesus holding a rainbow flag, leader of good and tolerant faux-Christians


By following the list above, you can eliminate all the guesswork the next time you're looking for a statue to destroy.


It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.

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