Ever since the first evangelical megachurch was founded in Jerusalem 2,000 years ago, the heartbeat of the Christian church has always been the worship team. The Babylon Bee, being God's favorite Christian satire site, is here with a handy explainer breaking down the various members of the team.
Now that we've hit the minimum word count for these introductions no one reads anyway, here's each member of the worship team explained:
- The bassist - The bassist is the cool, aloof guy standing off to the side, bobbing his head like he's in the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He's always fashionably late to practice and rarely ventures off the E string. Sadly, his amp hasn't been plugged in for years.
- The lead guitarist - The lead guitarist was in a rock band in high school, and they totally would have been hugely successful if they hadn't broken up due to some relationship drama. He's fulfilling his fantasy of being in a big rock band by playing U2-ish riffs between Every. Single. Verse.
- The rhythm guitarist - This guy is just like the lead guitarist but even less skilled, so he's relegated to playing power chords. Just don't play a song with a B minor or an F -- he's still pretty shaky on those.
- The drummer - Extremely hyperactive and unstable, everyone just thought it would be safer to keep him enclosed in plexiglass. When he's on vacation, one of the elderly church members fills in, but he only uses those drum brushes instead of drumsticks. We think he was in a jazz band in 1902.
- The cowbellist - The backbone of the entire worship team. Sometimes also uses a tambourine. Always barefoot for some reason.
- The triangle player - A classicly trained percussionist, the triangle player practices more than anyone else in the band, combined.
- The "special music" lady - Bless her heart. She's been attending the church faithfully for 120 years. Singing "special music" gives her more joy than anything in the world. Just let her have that.
- The background singers - Look at them up there! Smiling, swaying, raising their hands! They add so much to Sunday worship, as long as you don't plug in their mics.
- The worship leader - Looking like he was pulled straight off the set of a cologne commercial, the worship leader is the impossibly pretty face of the band who wears the impossibly skinny jeans to help him with those high notes. A true expert at filling awkward dead space in service with ad-lib prayers. "Just, Lord... just, just... be with us..."
- The tech guy - He shuffled in off the street one day covered in Cheetos dust and wearing a Star Wars shirt, and greeters knew they had finally found their tech guy! He's great to have around since you can blame everything that goes wrong on him.
- The keyboardist - A wizard of epic sound and glittering tech, the keyboardist is the only musician whose instrument is actually turned up in the mix.
That pretty much covers it! Make sure to share this with your worship leader, bassist, or drummer and say, "This is TOTALLY you!" followed by three laughing emojis. Or a skull emoji if you're Gen Z.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
