NEW YORK, NY—Tired of being overshadowed by Tucker Carlson and his glorious swoop haircut, Fox contributors Jonah Goldberg and Stephen Hayes announced today they are leaving the network to become co-hosts of 'The View'.
"We are excited to finally bring our brand of thoughtful, intellectual conservatism to the table in an environment that values respectful, rational debate," said Mr. Goldberg. "I mean, that is what things are like on 'The View', right? I've never actually watched it, but Tucker just assured us that it was a super-intelligent crowd and we were going to love it! He really was so nice to find us the gig - thanks, Tucker!"
The pair of conservative voices had reportedly drifted apart from Fox News over the past years, with much of the tension surrounding the absolutely horrendous use of puns as headlines on their website. But things really took a turn when Tucker stopped wearing his bow tie, started using a new conditioner, and became the dweeb turned sexy-stunner face of the franchise.
"With the last chapter behind us, we are happy to start a new one alongside some amazing, kind women," said Mr. Hayes. "I admit, I also have never seen the show and was a little nervous after hearing so many jokes about 'The View' being the only thing on TV in Hell, but hey - smart, moderate politics is a tough sell. I'm grateful Tucker booked us a place with like-minded people who won't put our heads on pikes, plus hey - Whoopi Goldberg! I always did like those Sister Act films!"
At publishing time, Tucker Carlson was reportedly stroking a cat and enjoying a long, villainous (and very handsome sounding) laugh.
The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don't like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of "We Don't Talk About Bruno"!