Texas Governor Announces Cowboy Hat Mandate
U.S.

AUSTIN, TX—Texas Governor Greg Abbott was heard yelling, “Yee-haw!” while firing two revolvers in the air -- the traditional way to announce a new Texas law. This law is a new public safety mandate requiring all citizens to wear a cowboy hat when leaving their homes.

“This bill has been a long time coming,” said Abbott. “We need to flatten the curve of people being a bunch of Californians. That means everyone needs to wear a proper hat at all times and be a true Texan. Yee-haw!”

With this bill, anyone seen out in public without a cowboy hat will be approached by a Texas Ranger, who will say, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” before tossing the offender across the state line.

The bill was mainly met with wide support. “Anytime you see someone near you without a cowboy hat, you feel unsafe,” said Tex Brewer, a Texan. “You wonder what that guy is up to. Is he going to raise my taxes or take my AR-15? I don’t cotton to that.”

The bill did receive some pushback, though. “Hat’s itchy,” said one man.

There will be some exceptions to the cowboy hat mandate, such as if your hat was just shot off your head in a showdown. There is also a mask mandate, but that only applies when you are robbing a train.

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