AUSTIN, TX—After years of fighting lame California politicians who want to lock everyone in their homes so they can't go to space or build cool stuff, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced he was moving to a land flowing with milk and honey called Texas. Almost immediately after the move, he announced a new product the whole world has been waiting for: the Tesla AR-15.
"Um... h-howdy, I think," said Elon, expertly taking on the local dialect. "Y'all want a Tesla AR-15? You got it, partner!"
The new firearm will look similar to a standard AR-15 but will in fact be a battery-powered railgun capable of firing 3 million rounds per minute. It will also feature a fingerprint sensor, Bluetooth capability, heat-seeking ammunition, and a chainsaw bayonet.
"We really wanted to re-think self-defense," said Musk. "This new firearm will be the go-to rifle for our SpaceX volunteers when they encounter hostile aliens. It's also a celebration of the Second Amendment. If any federal authorities try to confiscate it, the rifle will automatically connect to the internet and file a lawsuit for you!"
The Federal Government has requested that Tesla at least remove the AI-powered "self-driving" feature on the firearm before selling it.