WASHINGTON, D.C.—Security concerns were raised over how bad Chinese spying has gotten after it was revealed this week that Eric Swalwell had been secretly dating President Xi Jinping in a wig.
"Hey, wait a minute!" said an FBI agent as he saw Rep. Swalwell holding hands with a woman who looked suspiciously like President Xi in light makeup, a dress, and a wig. "That's that Chinese guy! Get him!" Pulling the wig off, the agent revealed the Chinese woman to be Xi himself.
"Cheryl... why? Why did you lie to me? We had something great!" Swalwell said, tears in his eyes, as President Xi activated his jetpack and escaped.
Swalwell defended his actions, saying Xi was a tender lover and a great kisser, and "WE WERE IN LOVE, OK!? YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND! THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS!"
Jinping's plan was reportedly to get close to Joe Biden to tempt him to sniff his hair, apparently not realizing all the Chinese government has to do is ask Biden and he'll surrender any information they want.
CNN called the development a "non-story" and criticized right-wing media for "pouncing" on the revelation that China's president was sleeping with congresspeople, saying it would only be a story if it were Putin sleeping with Swalwell.