AUSTIN, TX — Governor Greg Abbott signed into law this morning a new measure that would impose the death penalty on anyone who begins an email with "Happy Monday, Team!"
Though Texas had long allowed such people to be given a "good ol' fashioned whuppin'," the state's government hoped that the new law would put a stop to such emails once and for all.
"Straight to the gallows. No need for trial or jury here," said Abbott. "If your name is on that signature line, you're going to hang until your feet stop kickin'. We don't abide that kind of talk here in Texas."
According to legislators, other phrases such as "circle back" and "promote synergy" would also be grounds for execution, while mentions of "team-building" would be met with swift reprimands, followed by public canings.
"It's high time these psychopaths were removed from polite society," said local man Darryl Mattingly. "The death penalty is the only courtesy these people don't deserve. I'm just glad the government finally decided to act."
At publishing time, the legislature had amended the law to also allow for the execution of anyone writing "per my last email."
A friendly PSA on how to defend yourself from the explosive diarrhea parasite experts say may be found in fresh produce.
