PLYMOUTH COLONY — Celebration descended into disaster today when what began as a meal of thanksgiving for bountiful blessings erupted into anger due to an attendee wearing a hat emblazoned with the words "Make America Great Someday."
As citizens of the Plymouth Colony gathered together with their invited guests from the venerable Wampanoag tribe of natives, spirits were high and joy abounded. Things soon took a turn for the worse, however, with the arrival of colonist Donald Hartford Tumpington, long viewed as a politically outspoken firebrand.
"This is to be the greatest and most beautiful among nations," said Tumpington loudly, eliciting eye rolls from some and exasperated huffs of air from others. "We shall put our colony first and bring about peace and prosperity for everyone!"
While many attendees of the feast expressed strong agreement with Tumpington's sentiments, great tension soon became evident. "Why should this nation be considered so exceptional?" asked local Wampanoag tribe member Triggered Bear. "This land belongs to the indigenous peoples, but this white man now comes and urges everyone to build a wall around their colony. This man and his followers are dangerous, and such hats are literal violence."
The meal was not yet halfway through before Tumpington's hat was knocked off his head by more sensitive colonists, resulting in an enormous food fight.
At publishing time, Plymouth Colony leadership had begun discussions to have Tumpington and everyone who agrees with him banned from the public square and strictly prohibited from participating in future Thanksgiving feasts.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.