CANAAN — Hoping to quell controversy over its practices, a local Temple of Moloch has announced plans to host a "family-friendly" child sacrifice event next weekend. Leaders at the temple hope that the addition of fun activities for kids will help the cult shed the unpleasant image that comes with slaughtering children as an act of worship.
"We thought it was time to brighten up our public image a bit," said Niqmaddu, the temple's high priest. "Extremist groups that are annoyingly obsessed with protecting children are always on our case about how ‘evil' and ‘demonic' we are for burning infants alive to worship our god. This family-friendly child sacrifice festival should really help!"
The event, which is to be held on the temple grounds, will feature a picnic, face-painting, cotton candy, gunny sack races, camel rides, and a petting zoo (at least until all of the animals have been killed to have people drink their blood during various pagan rituals). Any families looking to downsize will receive half-off the price of admission by bringing in one of their children to sacrifice. Critics of the temple have loudly voiced their opposition.
"These are children we're talking about here. CHILDREN!" said Ahaziah, a prophet who belongs to a traveling mob of Hebrews who have recently arrived from Egypt. "No amount of ‘family-friendly' window dressing will change the fact that these butchers murder children to satisfy their own selfish lifestyles! Judgment will come!"
At publishing time, the followers of Moloch seemed unconcerned and more interested in making things as pleasurable for themselves as possible. "We're all about having fun here," Niqmaddu said. "If a few thousand kids lose their lives as part of it, we're cool with that."
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: