NEW YORK, NY — Mysterious masked vigilantes who previously called the sewers of Manhattan their home have fled the city in protest because of new restrictions on pizza ovens mandated by the Department of Environmental Protection. The heroes, who some claim are mutated turtles, have allegedly moved to Florida where no such oven ban exists.
"Tubular!" a giant turtle reportedly said while lounging on Palm Beach. "Florida really is a land flowing with soda, pizza, and FREEDOM! Bodacious!"
According to experts, the pizza in Florida may not taste as "radical" as a premium New York slice, but it has the advantage of existing.
"Master Splinter was right!" a blue-masked turtle reportedly said. "Florida pizza is pretty radical, dude."
Another witness was reportedly scared to death following an incident in which four human-sized turtles jumped out from the shadow of nearby palm trees and high-fived. "Cowbagunga!"
Florida residents claim to have seen another turtle wearing a red eye mask brooding from various spots around Palm Beach. "He's wearing a trench coat and hat, but it's obviously a turtle," said one witness. "And he says the 'd-word' a lot so he's obviously upset."
At publishing time, Shredder and the Foot Clan had taken complete control of New York.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
