WASHINGTON, D.C. — With concerns over the affordability of burritos sweeping the nation, President Donald Trump addressed the crisis head-on by tapping the nation's Strategic Burrito Reserve.
Trump authorized the release of millions of delicious burritos over the course of the next week, which economists projected would slash the burrito benchmark price in half.
"You're going to have so many burritos, you'll get tired of burritos, believe me," said President Trump. "There will be queso-smothered, grande deluxe, all kinds of burritos. Even ones without meat, if you're into that sort of thing. I don't judge. They will be so cheap, the burritos, and we're going to make Mexico pay for them. Well, at least they're going to cook them — they're so good at it, really talented. No deportations for the burrito-makers, you people are safe with your favorite president. They love me, the Mexicans."
The previously untapped Strategic Burrito Reserve, or SBR, was created under President George W. Bush during his first term. "I created the SBR because America will never allow terrorists and evildoers to take the things we hold so dear," Bush explained back in 2004. "Freedom isn't free. Sometimes it comes at a cost, and is wrapped in foil. Sometimes it has pico on it, and sour cream. So whenever and wherever tyranny threatens liberty, we will be ready. Ready with burritos. God bless America. Now watch me hit this drive."
At publishing time, Trump's approval rating had skyrocketed to 99% after the cost of a burrito dropped to $5.
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